Changes

Gone are the days of wheelchairs, ramps, walkers, tub transfer benches and wisdom teeth; so much is changing . . . am I? The question was asked of me last week and it really sparked a light in my head: Do I feel like I’m the same person that I used to be? or Will I be different now that I’ve gone through this past year of physical struggle? Obviously, there will be certain things that will be different: like the empathizing with the added travel stress of those living in a wheelchair, or seeing the daily difficulties of being a caretaker (often overlooked when people reach out to a disabled couple). Deep within, is the man that God is making a more lovely Christ-bearer (as my name reminds me to be)? If so, how have I changed from having experienced this trial?

10 things I'm learning from where God has me right now:
1. I’m learning not to find my identity in serving people. For many months I didn’t feel like I knew who I was because I had lost the ability to physically serve others. I am small and I know very little. I’ve had to learn to be content not being very good at anything right now. I feel I hardly understand the answers to life’s questions that once rolled so freely off my tongue. At times I’m timid where I used to be bold, scared when I used to be courageous, insecure when I used to be anchored to the Rock, and tired when I used to be the energizer bunny. Will this part of the training pass? Praise Jesus that it looks like it will!

2. I’m learning how to accept people’s help; personally receiving from God’s people instead of just giving to them. It is certainly painful to one’s pride for the lack of choice in going from running a six minute mile to not being able to roll over in bed. It is not easy to let go of your newly wed ideals about life together and learn to let others take care of you, or to ask when you need help, to have to be on medicaid and dependent on our parents to meet monthly expenses.

3. I’ve grown content to sit on the sidelines and let life happen to me instead of shaping what happens by my activity (passive instead of active). Coming back to reality has been one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to tackle. After sitting on the sidelines for so long, the Lord is calling me back into the game of life . . . even if for the time being it’s only as a water boy or a pinch hitter. I’m finding the only real aid in this struggle is praying through my day and asking the Lord to give me His priorities for where He has me right now.

4. I understanding more of the sufferings of Christ. Being dependent on others is HARD; when they’re down, you’re down; when they’re exhausted, you’re exhausted; when they’re overwhelmed, you’re overwhelmed. But I also understand more of His graces. I cannot shout loud enough to express the decibels of praise to Christ which Rebecca and I have heard from His people all over the globe. May the fullness of whatever mundane life that I am capable of living always be fully embraced as the main means God wants for me to declare His glory to those around me.

5. I’ve grown more compassionate on others as I understand with them what it means to share in the sufferings of Christ together. I understand Micaela’s physical struggles and the joy of being free to move about and stretch out in pool after being confined to a chair all the time. I understand what it’s like for an elderly person to struggle with tying her shoes or for my grandpa to stand out of a low and soft couch.

6. I’ve grown to see the value of daily perseverance. It’s not the mountain views that keep one going while crawling trough the valleys of depression, but the refreshing breeze of God’s presence (often seen through His people being with us in trial); it’s not the heights to which one can soar or the loudness of one’s life that make it worth living, but Who travels with you that makes all the difference.

7. I see the beauty of simply loving God and my fellow humans. Small groups at church are not extras but essentials to my keeping from being hardened by my own self-deceit.

8. I realize now that faith (believing the gospel) and repentance (lament filled confession and returning to re-trust in Christ’s righteousness) are the means of spiritual growth. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God and being reminded by His Spirit and fellow believers when I’m failing to believe the truth by my life and thinking. Repentance follows from the truest self-awareness that exists: knowing Christ. In the words of an old children’s chorus that I grew up singing, "read your Bible, pray everyday . . . and you’ll grow, grow, grow!

9. I’m learning the value of resting. If I don’t schedule in breaks, I will grow weary and indulge in sin as an escape or break from the difficulties of mundane reality.

10. I’m learning that marriage is not primarily for happiness as much as for holiness.