Contentedness

During this last year of my life, I've been having to come to grips with the feeling that I'm not very good at much of anything anymore. My disease has had me mainly on survival mode. Sure, I'm capable of so much more physically than I was last year at this time, but as my strength increases so do my responsibilities. This means that my body is always being pushed to be able to accomplish more tasks/goals/experiences of life.

I want to soak life and the relationships with those around me in; partly because there was a time that I could not soak much of anything in, but mostly because I've realized how short life is and how little time we actually have to serve the Lord with our life and and health and strength and abilities. I lost all physical endurance for over a year which I had once taken for granted. I cannot not think of these things as anything but beyond daily miracles for those that enjoy them. The Lord's grace to each of us in found in the smallest of daily details that we must train ourselves to notice. Have you ever looked at a painting or a tapestry? At first glance from a distance, they both seem like ordinary reflections of life. But train your eyes to see the details of what it took to make them and the tiny hours of intimate care that went into painting each brush stroke or each stitch of threat and you'll notice all that you'd missed before. Open your eyes and see the glorious things the Lord is doing in your life and the lives of those around you! Though the long hours and tedious details are often painful and seem pointless, He is making a beautiful painting or tapestry out of each of our lives.

I used to be able to make my way around on the the guitar or practice the piano for hours (the latter, even as recently as last summer) but the physical requirements of playing either of them now seem a strain on my body in the midst of the ups and downs of life in recovery more than they provide for personal enjoyment. Instead, I love to sing and listen to others use their gifts of music to praise the Lord (now with a new sense of appreciation for the talents God has given them than I ever have before). I used to be able to roller blade at lightning speed, go crazy at racquetball, or run for a couple of miles before feeling fatigue. Now it is all I can do to use a stationary bike for 15 minutes when there's nothing else going on in my life. But when I'm involved in living and doing other things, just keeping up with the demands of eating well, going to my one class, studying, spending time with my wife, family, friends, and sleeping -- these things are all that I can handle. So what truth am I holding on to when I find myself discouraged by all the things I can't do right now?

Living life to the fullest by using what little abilities I feel the Lord has given me right now to be able to exercise is just as glorifying to my Jesus as being a full time seminary student, influencing many people through a dynamic pastoral ministry, or making enough money to be financially independent from my family. Yeah, if all I have the energy to do each day is sit in a corner and breathe (and I have nearly been there at times over this last year), such is the MOST eternally productive and God-glorifying thing I can be doing. The evaluation of faithfulness is not based on how much we accomplish, but simply on doing our best at what we are given to do. May I never forget this amazing truth Lord Jesus.